Yesterday

My grandmother died yesterday. We all knew it was coming - including her - it was time, I guess. In the great big scheme of things - the big plan. Why do people say that anyway?

It was her time.

Her name was up next. Her number was called. Her own personal big clock has ceased to tick and tock.
I'm not quite sure if I get that whole "you're next on the list" bit. I don't know if that one flies with me.

Even when you know it's soon and you have prepared yourself for it - it still sucks, you know? It's like the day my mom called and said "you need to get up here - Mamaw doesn't look good".... you are thinking, is it today? And then it doesn't happen on that day - or the next - or the next - or the next. So, then you start thinking ... well, maybe she will rally yet again?

But, then it happens....and you are shocked by it. Then, you are taken aback at how shocked you are. It's a weird thing.

Mom called yesterday and told me the news. It was only about 30 minutes after it had happened and I went straight up there. I hadn't yet made it up there yesterday but I'm trying not to feel bad for that. It's hard not to though. She was still quite aware of all of those who came to see her even though she slept most of the time. Her mind was still sharp as a tack.

We briefly sat and talked about her and her life. I know it was a good one. 88 years. 8 children. Numerous grandchildren (I'm not even sure - 16? 18?) and even more great-grandchildren. She even had great-great grandchildren. Many friends. Much love.

Last night while I was trying to go to sleep, I had various visions of her dancing through my mind. I couldn't help but smile at all of them.

When we were kids and stayed with her we weren't treated any differently because we were "kin". We got the same treatment as the other kids. The same loving and the same discipline. I can remember her telling us to go outside and pick out a "switch" when we were especially bad. You knew you HAD to go do it. Don't even start that whining and begging cause it wouldn't work on Mamaw. As you were hound-dogging your way out the door - moving as slowly as possible - you would hear the words that you knew were coming ....

"And you'd better get a good one cause I KNOW you don't want ME to have to do it!"

Oh man!! The pain! The agony! The psychological torture that those words instilled!

It's especially hard to see a proper "switch" through tears. Then, you have to pick off all the leaves - one by one. ARGH! My heart is beating faster just thinking about it and my legs are tingling.

I can now imagine Mamaw sitting inside somewhat giggling and getting some sort of sadistic pleasure out of this because of course she never used it on us! She would wave it in the air a bit - just enough to make a swishing sound and then announce that she had it and we'd better behave so she wouldn't have to use it.

No matter how many times it happened - you were still just as worried that THIS time might just actually be the time that she used it on you! So, we treaded lightly.

When I was singing around town, my parents surprised me by bringing her to one of our shows. It was in Sixth Street Bar & Grille and it's a tiny little spot for a band AND patrons to gather. The band was always crunched up right by the front entrance so you could see all that entered but pretty much lost them from that moment on.

We had already started when I saw them come in. I thought that was the coolest thing in the world! I guess she was around 75 years old at the time. But, she didn't care - she loved to dance and go out and about and she was especially proud to come and see me.

I lost them shortly after they walked in but then saw her red-headed self pop up over in the corner. She was short - WAY short....like 5 ft. tall and so my mom had gotten a chair for her to stand on so she could see me over all the heads. I can remember telling folks that she was there and to watch out for her and if they didn't she would kick their ass. I have no doubt that she could've.

I don't believe that there's a moment that I can think of involving her where I don't feel love - feel happiness. I know love from her - I saw it, felt it, had it. I owned it because she soaked me with it. Even when I was a teenager and she put all of my things that were on my floor (and there was a lot) in trash bags and said she was going to throw them all out. I felt no anger for her - no resentment because I KNEW - I KNOW - that she loves me. Just as I love her. I hope that she had that same feeling from me. I hope she felt it to her core.

I tried to put it into her just as she had put it into me.

I will miss you Mamaw - to my core. I love you.